Volunteers Wanted For Comments On English Wrting

CAROTE · 發表于 2012-12-25 22:04

Moral losing

While our economic development now has been rising up,some else aspects facing with people may fall behind.The vivid illustrating is like what the above cartoon gives that an old has slidden down,no one,however,seems to give her a hand.Such “meaningful” phenomenon might not take place rare where image shows.What can we be illuminated,apparently but thinking-provokingly,is the loss of public morality.Indeed worthy thinking what will happen if same things goes the similar situation.
There are may several things accounting for that.Now,under such fierce competition among us,it seems hard to give some-at least a little-focus on from people on other sides except the pursuit of economic benefits and satisfaction with materials，having lead the concentration on public values to be naturally overlooked.What's more,resulting from fearing being invited unnecessary troubles possibly after warm-hearted behaviors given,this is also another explanation halting people's intention to offer assistance.
For the potential terrible influence on both social development，and even impact with our superior traditional cultures，from the declining of moral values，it is crucial that some actions now should be taken，among everyone.Some encouragement could be awarded to stimulate people more emphasis on morality and happy providing helping.In addition,it is beneficial for us-whether children or adults-to let awareness concerning with morality construction to some extent improved.Both approaches,combining with the title of constructing harmony society,what a wonderful environment we enjoy will be！
這是我第一次寫社會問題，希望大家廣發意見！祝愿大家都能考上理想院校！！！

CAROTE · 發表于 2012-12-25 22:06

期待大家的意見啊

CAROTE · 發表于 2012-12-25 22:07

Everyone is supposed to leave any suggestions,best wishes will be given those warm-hearted one{:soso_e113:}

presidentyt · 發表于 2012-12-25 23:29

滿篇的長句將會死的很慘

ssqaaaaaaaaa · 發表于 2012-12-26 00:27

挺好的

樂聞笛 · 發表于 2012-12-26 09:36

用word沒發現有語法錯誤，第二段第一句應該是there may be吧？。另外一個問題就是樓主感覺太多自己的表達了，這些表達語法上沒錯，但是地不地道就不知道了。建議多用范文的句子，用王江濤的話說最好每一句話都是范文里改造過來的。十年真題的范文已經夠用了，可以參考。

樂聞笛 · 發表于 2012-12-26 10:21

我按照你的意思大概幫你改了一下第一段，樓主可以參考下。
With the economic development, some aspects else of our society may be overlooked. As is subtly portrayed in the cartoon, an vivid illustration, that a senior has a fall, but no one seems to do her a favor. What the picture conveys is the loss of public morality, which is thought-provoking. Indeed, it pays for us to reflect that what will happen if we let this trend as it is.

CAROTE · 發表于 2012-12-27 22:48

presidentyt 發表于 2012-12-25 23:29
滿篇的長句將會死的很慘

GOOD 謝謝指點

CAROTE · 發表于 2012-12-27 22:49

樂聞笛發表于 2012-12-26 10:21
我按照你的意思大概幫你改了一下第一段，樓主可以參考下。
With the economic development, some aspects e ...

非常感謝這位仁兄的指點祝你成功

!感-杠-問? · 發表于 2012-12-28 23:34

整篇文章試圖寫一些長句，這需要鼓勵。但希望文章寫完以后仔細檢查語法錯誤，同時注意對于部分單詞的運用應更為精準。

句評：
While our economic development now has been rising up, some else aspects facing with people may fall behind.
our這種詞一出現，文章瞬間就沒有地道可言了。麻煩樓主看看原版文章，考研閱讀也行，一篇文章里面是幾乎不可能出現I、We、my、our的，除非出現在引用他人的話。第一人稱是非常口語化的人稱。development rises up搭配有問題，development是過程性的詞，或者說具有一定延續性的詞，不適合與這類動詞搭配。face是及物動詞，somebody is faced with something = something faces somebody，主動語態不能加with，語法錯誤。

The vivid illustrating is like what the above cartoon gives that an old has slidden down, no one, however, seems to give her a hand.
above作定語修飾名詞時，一般后置。an old has slidden down, no one, however, seems to give her a hand，兩個句子間沒有連詞連接，語法錯誤。like what the above cartoon gives作為插入語應兩邊逗號與句子主體成分隔開，語法錯誤。

Such “meaningful” phenomenon might not take place rare where image shows.
phenomenon單數可數名詞，沒有物主代詞就必須有冠詞，語法錯誤。

What can we be illuminated, apparently but thinking-provokingly, is the loss of public morality.
這句話寫得很漂亮

Indeed worthy thinking what will happen if same things goes the similar situation.
主句沒有句子結構，雖然有名詞短語單獨成句的情況，但這句話我認為是有問題的。主要問題在worthy這個用詞上，worthy作形容詞時，一般表示deserving respect、respectable的意思，而表示deserving to be thought about or treated時，一般不作名詞定語，而是與系動詞一同構成系表結構be worthy of doing something。即使如此，也很少看到看到省略主謂結構，而直接用表語worthy of doing something獨立成句的現象。這里不推薦省略主謂結構。

There are may several things accounting for that.
may拼寫錯誤了吧，there be結構冗贅，many several things和account for that主謂關系很明顯，沒必要用there be

Now, under such fierce competition among us, it seems hard to give some—at least a little—focus on from people on other sides except the pursuit of economic benefits and satisfaction with materials, having lead the concentration on public values to be naturally overlooked.
整句句子總體上寫得很漂亮。這里lead的過去分詞是led，拼寫錯誤。concentration on public values這里用on不妥，concentration on something中的something一般是activities，這里顯然不符合這個意思，這里建議把on改為of，這樣concentration of something = a large amount of something語意就更為通順。to be naturally overlooked用不定式不妥，不定式一般暗含情態上的將來，這里為了強調這個動作的過程性，建議改為being naturally overlooked（過去分詞的進行時態）

What's more, resulting from fearing being invited unnecessary troubles possibly after warm-hearted behaviors given, this is also another explanation halting people's intention to offer assistance.
being invited的邏輯主語混亂，invite這個詞表示result in或cause的意思時，其結構是(something) invites some troubles in something，如果要用被動語態，也應是some troubles are invited in something。this指代對象不明，事實上，根據句意判斷，this應指代fearing ... given這個動名詞短語，但問題是resulting from本身已表示一種原因，作整句句子的狀語，再用this顯然不妥。這就如同你不能在because...的主句部分說this explains ...。explanation后缺介詞for。

For the potential terrible influence on both social development, and even impact with our superior traditional cultures, from the declining of moral values, it is crucial that some actions now should be taken, among everyone.
原句for...這個部分的賓語主干結構是influence on both A, and impact with B，邏輯混亂。首先impact后的介詞是(up)on，不跟with。其次influence和impact是同義詞，沒有必要重復，即使要重復，也應該是both influence on A and impact on B的結構，太過繁復。from the declining of moral values這其實是一個原因，明顯的中式英語，英語里面不能用from表原因。among everyone語法錯誤，明顯的中式英語，可以說among all，但不能說among each / every

Some encouragement could be awarded to stimulate people more emphasis on morality and happy providing helping.
stimulate people more emphasis on morality and happy providing helping，stimulate somebody to do something，不定式的非謂語動詞結構缺失，再者說emphasis和happy的動詞不可能相同，不可能共用動詞。people這種詞別在作文里出現，這只能說明句式貧乏。happy一般跟不定式，而不是動名詞。help本身就可以做名詞，不必用動名詞。

In addition, it is beneficial for us—whether children or adults—to let awareness concerning with morality construction to some extent improved.
let awareness concerning with morality construction to some extent improved這句話看不懂。首先，let somebody do something，do something的內容沒找到。其次，awareness和concern無法構成主謂邏輯關系。最后，improved作用不明，如果是用來修飾morality construction，過去分詞作名詞定語的時候是前置，沒必要后置。再者說，improved和improving作名詞定語時的區別，類似于developed和developing，更多的時候表示時態上的完成或未完成，而非語態上的被動或主動，這里用improved形容顯然不符合整篇文章的基調。

Both approaches, combining with the title of constructing harmony society, what a wonderful environment we enjoy will be!
both approaches充當的句子成分不明。what a wonderful environment we enjoy will be強調句結構錯誤，要么是what a wonderful environment we will enjoy!，要么是what a wonderful environment it is!，再者a wonderful environment用詞太低端了。

綜評：
文章邏輯不太清晰。第一段是引出段，太長了，以致后面內容展開篇幅受到字數限制。第二段，開頭說many，其后只說了兩個原因，是many就應意為這more than two，否則就只能用both。第三段，提意見，第二點沒看懂。全文最后一句話沒有畫龍點睛的作用，反而成了全文的敗筆，實屬可惜。

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