大家幫忙給我的英語大作文評下分吧。。。

夕月夜さくら · 發表于 2013-1-11 00:20

本帖最后由夕月夜さくら于 2013-1-11 13:38 編輯

印象還是比較深刻的，基本與考場上寫的一樣。記得在哪里看過好像建議多寫短句，不過我感覺我寫的句子都比較長，反正大家幫忙評下分吧，謝謝。。
   The bar chart profoundly demonstrates the trend of the number of the  part-time job from different students. In the light of the figures, we can see that the percentage of part-time jobs from freshman to senior has experienced an almost constant. Meanwhile, the percentage of part-time jobs of the junior students has witnessed a rise by a wide margin.
   Some driving factors that contribute to the phenomenon can be summaried as follows. In the first place, with the ever-increasingly  fierce job market, students begin to consider the part-time job as the one of the steps to the future job.  In the second place, as the education campaign has launched , parents come to cultivate their children' independence , which in turn will make  the students earn some pocket money by themselves. In the third place, the booming of the manufacture industry also made the part-time job possible.
   As noted above, a reasonable conclusion can be drawn that the current  trend is positive, and it is also the evidence of the students' growth, if the trend continues , the students in college will grow up in the better direction.

chilipepper · 發表于 2013-1-11 02:08

寫得很好如果是我給13+

夕月夜さくら · 發表于 2013-1-11 13:39

chilipepper 發表于 2013-1-11 02:08
寫得很好如果是我給13+

謝謝，長句不別扭就行。。。。

lizhi01012991 · 發表于 2013-1-13 00:15

第二句基本語法錯誤。ever后面加形容詞吧，我記得雅思十天作文里說的。第一句from改成among更好。manufactual吧。made時態錯誤是硬傷。語言表達chinglish有點重，中式思維套英語。差不多能給到十分吧，不會高于十分。

lizhi01012991 · 發表于 2013-1-13 00:19

junior是大三，senior是大四。。。你弄混了吧。字數也太少了，高分都是180甚至兩百以上。話說第一個萬能理由和我一樣呢。。。。

夕月夜さくら · 發表于 2013-1-13 01:34

本帖最后由夕月夜さくら于 2013-1-13 01:36 編輯

lizhi01012991 發表于 2013-1-13 00:19
junior是大三，senior是大四。。。你弄混了吧。字數也太少了，高分都是180甚至兩百以上。話說第一個萬能理 ...

呵呵，謝謝這么認真的幫我糾錯哦。不過ever-increasingly 這里是一個單詞，那么低級的錯誤我還不至于犯。
manufacture industry也是個固定搭配，制造業。還有，我的字數是188個WORDS。我作文里第一個理由確實不太好，當時反應遲鈍了，選了個不好的理由，自己太笨啦。呵呵。不管怎么樣，都衷心祝福你，當然還有自己，能被心儀的大學錄取。

zoo2011 · 發表于 2013-2-14 18:06

寫得好有水平啊。沒有模板么？

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大家幫忙給我的英語大作文評下分吧。。。