也來(lái)曬曬《荷塘月色》的節(jié)選翻譯+考研復(fù)習(xí)階段總結(jié)

尼采的圣經(jīng)

看到有童鞋在這里曬了荷塘月色的翻譯，我頓時(shí)手癢，掐指一算，除去前幾天考人事部筆譯二級(jí)，已經(jīng)很久沒(méi)練筆了。看了下荷塘月色全文，還是很經(jīng)典啊，勾起了對(duì)初中的回憶。當(dāng)時(shí)朱先生的這篇文章可是重點(diǎn)喲，我特意找出了初中的課本，發(fā)現(xiàn)上面滿滿的全是筆記，呵呵，畢竟當(dāng)時(shí)班主任是語(yǔ)文老師嘛，我也挺認(rèn)真的。我選了幾段自己認(rèn)為最幽美的，來(lái)嘗試著翻一下，自我水平不敢遑論，大家也就隨便看看吧，呵呵。

先是原文：

曲曲折折的荷塘上面，彌望的是田田的葉子。葉子出水很高，像亭亭的舞女的裙。層層的葉子中間，零星地點(diǎn)綴著些白花，有裊娜地開(kāi)著的，有羞澀地打著朵兒的；正如一粒粒的明珠，又如碧天里的星星，又如剛出浴的美人。微風(fēng)過(guò)處，送來(lái)縷縷香，仿佛遠(yuǎn)處高樓上渺茫的歌聲似的。這時(shí)候葉子與花也有一絲的顫動(dòng)，像閃電般，霎時(shí)傳過(guò)荷塘的那邊去了。葉子本是肩并肩密密地挨著，這便宛然有了一道凝碧的波痕。葉子底下是脈脈的流水，遮住了，不能見(jiàn)一些顏色；而葉子卻更見(jiàn)風(fēng)致了。

月光如流水一般，靜靜地瀉在這一片葉子和花上。薄薄的青霧浮起在荷塘里。葉子和花仿佛在牛乳中洗過(guò)一樣；又像籠著輕紗的夢(mèng)。雖然是滿月，天上卻有一層淡淡的云，所以不能朗照；但我以為這恰是到了好處——酣眠固不可少，小睡也別有風(fēng)味的。月光是隔了樹(shù)照過(guò)來(lái)的，高處叢生的灌木，落下參差斑駁的黑影，峭楞楞如鬼一般；彎彎的楊柳的稀疏的倩影，卻又像是畫(huà)在荷葉上。塘中的月色并不均勻；但光與影有著和諧的旋律，如梵阿玲上奏著的名曲。

Piles of leaves are there upon the surface of the pond, which is with a winding shape. Resembling a dancing girl’s skirt, the leaves stretch far out into the air from the surface. White flowers scatter among the leaves, some of them graciously bloom and others reside in shyness----comparable to the pearls, the stars in the sky or the girl who just steps out of the bath tub. The breeze brings the fragrance that imitates a muted song reached from a tower which is miles away. A slight touch is felt between leaves and flowers, and it travels to the other side of the pond instantaneously with almost lightning speed. The leaves were crowding in compactness, and now a greenish wave ripples across the pond. Right below the leaves flows the water, with its color can not be discerned, but what’s even more fascinating is the leaves of lotuses.

The moonlights tranquilly touch the leaves and the flowers in the manner of flowing water and thin green fogs shroud the pond. The leaves and the flowers are like having had a bath in milk, or there goes a dream covered by light veils. Though it is full moon, light clouds stick to the sky and thereby the moonlights are kept from fully shining the ground. Nevertheless, I would take it as a wonderful thing----just like it is necessary to dive into a deep sleep, a short nap also entitles one to great pleasures. The moonlights shine through the trees and the higher shrubs cast so blocky and hard shadows that are equivalent to apparitions. The scattered shadows of bent willows present like been drawn on the leaves of lotuses. The moonlights in the pond are not evenly spread, but a congruous tune can be heard out of the superimposition between lights and sounds, and it indeed sounds like a masterpiece played by violin.

iris晨

路過(guò)

匿名用戶(hù)

尼采的圣經(jīng) 發(fā)表于 2011-11-19 00:13
感謝點(diǎn)評(píng)，上網(wǎng)除了打游戲，能做做這種種事也挺好的嘛！PS 我也愛(ài)打游戲，呵呵。

出于探討，我也講講自 ...

lz打算考哪個(gè)學(xué)校？復(fù)旦?同濟(jì)？

lsy考研在路上

印象中<<荷塘月色>>是高中語(yǔ)文課本里的文章

lovesaint_lee

我以為是鳳凰傳奇的荷塘月色  我最近總喜歡翻譯點(diǎn)歌詞。。。

xjswill

瞻仰一下

青秀山

加油

victor0831

尼采的圣經(jīng) 發(fā)表于 2011-11-19 00:13感謝點(diǎn)評(píng)，上網(wǎng)除了打游戲，能做做這種種事也挺好的嘛！PS 我也愛(ài)打游戲，呵呵。 出于探討，我也講講自 ...

回復(fù)得好快...話說(shuō)你復(fù)習(xí)得真晚啊

尼采的圣經(jīng)

victor0831 發(fā)表于 2011-11-18 23:51
but what’s even more fascinating is the leaves of lotuses.
這個(gè)is真的可以嗎...

感謝點(diǎn)評(píng)，上網(wǎng)除了打游戲，能做做這種種事也挺好的嘛！PS 我也愛(ài)打游戲，呵呵。

出于探討，我也講講自己的看法吧。

1  這個(gè)that表示有點(diǎn)看不明白...)   我想用so...that...句型，至于是否正確，我覺(jué)得是正確的吧，但是語(yǔ)法功底我還有欠缺，也有可能沒(méi)用對(duì)。

2 感覺(jué)一句里面用兩個(gè)and顯得層次不清，應(yīng)該用其他連詞表示一種因果的邏輯關(guān)系更好，外國(guó)人講究邏輯嘛) 這個(gè)我同意，讀起來(lái)有點(diǎn)拗口，你看這樣改如何？
The moonlights shine through the trees while the higher shrubs cast so blocky and hard shadows that are equivalent to apparitions.

3 曾見(jiàn)書(shū)上說(shuō)過(guò)，能少用被動(dòng)就少用，所以替換為spread unevenly怎么樣，貌似更簡(jiǎn)潔點(diǎn))  閣下講有道理。但是我也讀過(guò)鼓勵(lì)用被動(dòng)的書(shū)籍，要不，這個(gè)就見(jiàn)仁見(jiàn)智了？呵呵。

4 shadows吧親，筆誤了吧...) 5555，是筆誤。瞧我這眼睛，發(fā)帖前還double check過(guò)了的啊...

暫時(shí)就說(shuō)這么多吧，我也不是啥學(xué)院派的，點(diǎn)評(píng)什么的我還真不太會(huì)弄，不過(guò)聽(tīng)聽(tīng)閣下以及其他人的指正，對(duì)自己總是會(huì)有幫助的。

victor0831

but what’s even more fascinating is the leaves of lotuses.
這個(gè)is真的可以嗎...

月光如流水一般，靜靜地瀉在這一片葉子和花上。薄薄的青霧浮起在荷塘里。葉子和花仿佛在牛乳中洗過(guò)一樣；又像籠著輕紗的夢(mèng)。雖然是滿月，天上卻有一層淡淡的云，所以不能朗照；但我以為這恰是到了好處——酣眠固不可少，小睡也別有風(fēng)味的。月光是隔了樹(shù)照過(guò)來(lái)的，高處叢生的灌木，落下參差斑駁的黑影，峭楞楞如鬼一般；彎彎的楊柳的稀疏的倩影，卻又像是畫(huà)在荷葉上。塘中的月色并不均勻；但光與影有著和諧的旋律，如梵阿玲上奏著的名曲。
The moonlights tranquilly touch the leaves and the flowers in the manner of flowing water and thin green fogs shroud the pond. The leaves and the flowers are like having had a bath in milk, or there goes a dream covered by light veils. Though it is full moon, light clouds stick to the sky and thereby the moonlights are kept from fully shining the ground.(這幾句明天再來(lái)想...困了...感覺(jué)這樣直譯不是很妥當(dāng)) Nevertheless, I would take it as a wonderful thing----just like(替換為as while，不多說(shuō)...) it is necessary to dive into a deep(改用sound，因?yàn)閐eep sleep更偏向心理上的深度睡眠，一般酣睡咱用sound的吧) sleep, a short(去掉，因?yàn)閚ap本身就是小睡的意思，加上short略顯重復(fù)) nap also entitles one to great pleasures. The moonlights shine through the trees and the higher shrubs cast so blocky(不是blockily嗎...) and hard shadows that(這個(gè)that表示有點(diǎn)看不明白...) are equivalent to apparitions.(感覺(jué)一句里面用兩個(gè)and顯得層次不清，應(yīng)該用其他連詞表示一種因果的邏輯關(guān)系更好，外國(guó)人講究邏輯嘛) The scattered shadows(這里貌似丟失了“倩影”中的那個(gè)“倩”的意境...) of bent willows present like been drawn(直接替換為paintings怎么樣) on the leaves of lotuses. The moonlights in the pond are not evenly spread(曾見(jiàn)書(shū)上說(shuō)過(guò)，能少用被動(dòng)就少用，所以替換為spread unevenly怎么樣，貌似更簡(jiǎn)潔點(diǎn)), but a congruous tune can be heard out of the superimposition between lights and sounds(shadows吧親，筆誤了吧...), and it indeed sounds like a masterpiece played by(with，played by更像是某人演奏的意思，感覺(jué)用with更恰當(dāng)些) violin.


就原文來(lái)說(shuō)，尼采兄有一小點(diǎn)語(yǔ)法的疏漏（5454），全段幾乎都是直譯過(guò)去的，這樣做幾乎保留了原文的韻律，但就我感覺(jué)，不是很合適，第一段感覺(jué)不錯(cuò)，因?yàn)槭菍?xiě)景，但是第二段有很多作者的個(gè)人的感官，我認(rèn)為應(yīng)該翻譯得更加明白一點(diǎn)。明天再來(lái)盤(pán)古門(mén)前耍大斧，尼采兄莫怪。


PS
首先 玩了倆小時(shí)游戲表示很有罪惡感 所以來(lái)敬仰下敢于發(fā)技術(shù)帖的尼采兄 見(jiàn)尼采兄如此勤奮 吾無(wú)地自容 故只有報(bào)以認(rèn)真的回復(fù)
然后 聲明以下僅為交流 非挑刺或較真 一千個(gè)讀者眼里有一千個(gè)哈姆雷特 我只是個(gè)菜鳥(niǎo) 所以只是獻(xiàn)丑一下而已~
最后 明天會(huì)找時(shí)間來(lái)試下第二段 望尼采兄有空也給予我教導(dǎo){:soso_e120:} 夜深了 睡覺(jué)了~