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標題: 別讓細節拉低你的寫作成績 [打印本頁]

作者: 小恐龍燿西    時間: 2016-12-14 12:02
標題: 別讓細節拉低你的寫作成績
寫作作業,老師給的精批。



寫作題目

Do you agree ordisagree: the universities should spend more money in improving facilities(libraries, computer labs) than hiring famous teachers.請給出一個理由,并寫一個主體段。



@Dolphin

Reason: the ultimate purpose of universities istotrain qualified employers for society,whichcould not be achieved by improving facilities. A famous teacher is notonly equipped withenormous professional knowledge but also have a throughly understanding ofhow to lead students' growth.Students in universities spend more time withtheir teachers not their parents, which virtually give teachers the responsbility to guidestudents' multiaspect development.No matter what kind of universityis (what kind of university it is 此處的狀語從句缺少主語,故加上it),a famous one or acommon one, they all have outstanding students and weak students. It is obviously that whether students areoutstanding or not isn't depend on theuniversity's facilities,(兩個整句不能用逗號連接) the key tostudents' grade is up to their hardwork and the guidance from their teachers.Whether the acdamicquestions or the psychological problems they meet (?),a good teachercould give stidents anapporpriate advice at thefirst time.

語言:語言基礎不錯,有一些很精彩的表達,從句運用熟練。有個別的語法錯誤還需主語,尤其是狀語從句的用法,還需再檢查和加強。
話題展開:本段的中心句不夠明確,如果能在段落第一句明確提出:對于教書育人的學校來說,名師更重要,好的設施并沒有太大作用。比起目前用兩個句子描述要更好一些。論述的時候沒有具體的細節或事例,只是以不同的方式重申了中心句。若加上細節或具體的例子會更豐滿,更充分。
細節:拼寫錯誤較多,標點符號后的空格也沒有加。需再注重細節。
總結:fair



@ 何昱瑩

Admittedly, mostof the superior students major in science or math subjectswill weigh the facilities and labs of their universities when they choose theirfuture school, because students can’t have the improvement in theiracademic without experiencing high-tech machineto some extent.So, the universities will lose some brilliant students if they don’tpay enough attention on their labs or library.Likewise, a literalstudent also have abundant requests on library, as if he is workingfor a paper in academic, he will search several famous papers in many websiteswhich need to a lot of moneyfor reading and downloading each paper if the university don’tpay for it. Otherwise, if school pay for the thesiswebsites like CNKI, like Cambridge orOxford, students will feel easy to study and more likely to choose theseschool.

語言:語言基礎很好,句式和用詞都很豐富(見橙色部分);只有極個別的語言上的錯誤(見紅字)。
話題展開:細節和例子很充足,有理有據,展開的很充分。唯一不足的就是,段落一開頭沒有非常明確的中心句,如果能在最開始加一句:牛逼的設施能吸引更多牛逼的學生來大學學習,這對于學校來說是至關重要的。接著開始論述就OK了。
總結:fair



題目分析

1. 同學們在寫主體段的時候,一定要在段落的一開始就明確說明理由,對于理由描述一定要緊扣題目中論述的內容。舉一個簡單的例子。


題目問:蘋果和冰紅茶哪一個對身體好?
給出兩個理由給大家思考一下:
理由1:大量糖分能提出熱量,是**活動不可缺少的。
理由2:蘋果中含有很多維生素和礦物質,會促進身體健康。


通過對比我們發現,理由1中并未提及蘋果或者冰紅茶,而是把重點放在糖分上,這樣就偏離了我們論述的對象。而理由2中明確說出蘋果的好處,對身體如何之好,緊扣住題目所問的問題。所以理由2才是一個正確的、有力的、切題的理由。


2. 細節或者事例!一定要有。

這是評分標準里十分看重的。千萬不要總是翻來覆去解釋你的理由,千言萬語都很蒼白!
(PS:推薦同學們去看看APP上Easy Lab欄目里的“10月29日托福真題解析”的寫作部分,關于如何寫及注意事項有非常詳細的講解。)



參考范文

First off,well-respected professors in a specific field can bring lots of benefits notonly to the whole community but also to the university. To more specific,prestigious professors can come up with theories and solutions to the mostintriguing problems faced by human beings, like treatment of cancers, diabetesand even heart attack. Economists can use data and economic models in theirempirical study to predict the economy, and it can provide lots of informationfor the authority to make timely adjustment to their policies. Electronicengineers can design some micro-chips that can sustain large-scale computation.The benefits that professors bring to the school can be also enormous. Forinstance, a Novel Prize laureate can attract countless research foundations anddonations from both the private and public sectors, with this large sum ofmoney, the university can in turn renovate labs, research centers and evenlibraries.

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作者: 紅妍子    時間: 2017-2-8 10:17
例如哪些細節?




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